Soulful Artist5/13/2020 10:57am

Giving Too Much

The power of creativity is always on my mind. In the past, I lived fully operating from survival and sometimes even going on autopilot to get through the hard times. Sometimes, with lesser versions of ourselves, we don’t have a choice in the matter but to try and protect ourselves. I’ve learned how quickly ignoring something deep rooted in the sense of self and running from it out of survival can destroy.


If you’ve experienced any kind of trauma and hardship in life that placed you in a flight or fight mode, you know exactly what I’m talking about when it comes to finding the ability to shut off the need for survival takes serious inner work. It’s kind of like driving through life stuck in a suit of armor and wielding a weapon at the ready.


It creates distrust and many cognitive issues that impact your own life choices or experiences. It’s difficult and very mind numbing to watch yourself waste away under this kind of protective barrier. All the while you reach out for someone to just understand you, for someone to just ‘get you.’ Yet that answer always was within.


One thing that used to keep me going was being kind towards others. In the past, I often relied upon the kindness of others around me; especially when I went through the experiences of homelessness. When others helped me, I found myself developing an internal habit of paying that kindness forward towards strangers or loved ones when I did have stability in my life. This is gratitude. The more pain one experiences on their life path, the more you learn how precious each moment is.


But there came a point in my life where I had to ask myself, “Am I giving to much of myself?”


When does it become self-sacrifice for some kind of gain? Does it eventually come back to you or is that way of thinking inherently selfish? An older version of me would hopelessly spend time wondering when my own payoff would come around the corner. But life just doesn’t work like that!

 

Creativity has always been a driving force for me as an individual. It kept me going and often served as my lifeblood when I couldn’t handle the memories or stressors that came over me from a life fully exposed to some of the ugliest experiences humans have to offer; even as a child. My history isn’t one of silver spoons.


But a lesson I’ve learned is that it isn’t just always about stability. It’s about pushing yourself to want, do, and be someone that you’ve never thought you could be. By opening up a part of myself recently to a world inside of me that I’ve denied, I faced the inner child that was crying for the armor to be removed. It was simply too heavy at that point.


 Here is where I found my true creativity waiting to burst forth and take me over like a crashing wave. I had all but forgotten the feeling of it’s bliss and the fuel of energy that it can spring forth. Sometimes this is all there is.


Life will always continue on and we all have dreams. I’ve found a way forward and I can fully set my own intent without fear of what will come of it. The colors of life have finally found their way back into my mind and I can see a picture being painted from a seed that grows deeply inside my mind of what my future will be like. This helps me to make creative choices within a space of trust.

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